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SMALL IRONIES: A Novel

Three Continents

From the ship at sea 1

From the ship at sea 2

From the ship at sea 3

From the ship at sea, 4

From the ship at sea, 5

From the ship at sea , 6

From Rio!!

The Trip Home

NEW SHORT STORIES

Nothing There For You

Nothing There For You, 2

Nothing There For You, 3

Nothing There For You, 4

Chase of The Thrill, 1

Chase of the Thrill, 2

Chase of the Thrill, 3

Chase of The Thrill, 4

Of Course, part1

Of Course, part 2

Of Course, part 3

Of Course, concluded

In Memory: Of My Cruise 1

In Memory: Of My Cruise 2

In Memory: Of My Cruise 3

In Memory: Of My Cruise 4

Las Vegas, 1

Las Vegas, 2

Las Vegas, 3

Las Vegas, 4

Las Vegas, concluded

Mad Moment #1

Mad Moment #2

Mad Moment #3

Mad Moment #4

Margaret Never Knows, 1

Margaret Never Knows, 2

Margaret Never Knows, 3

Margaret Never Knows, 4

Margaret Never Knows, 5

Remote, part 1

Remote, part 2

Remote, part 3

Remote, concluded

POETRY

April's Fools

Easter Sunday

...simple answers

And when they come at me

Fogged In

BROADWAY/NYC THEATRE

Love, Linda

Curtains

Barrington Stage Co. 2011

My Name is Asher Lev

The Game

The Best of Enemies

Mormons, Mothers...etc.

Going to St. Ives

Guys and Dolls

Zero Hour

BSC ARCHIVED REVIEWS

Absurd Person Singular

Art

BNelson's All-Male Revue

Carousel

The Crucible

The Fantasticks

Freud's Last Session

I Am My Own Wife

The Memory Show

Mysteries of Harris Burdi

Pool Boy

Private Lives

See Rock City. . .

Sleuth

...Spelling Bee

A Streetcar Named Desire

Sweeney Todd

This Wonderful Life

To Kill a Mockingbird

Trumbo

Underneath the Lintel

The Violet Hour

The Whipping Man

Berkshire Opera

Le Nozze di Figaro

La Boheme

Berkshire Theatre 2011

Colonial Christmas Carol

Birthday Boy

Period of Adjustment

In the Mood

Dutch Masters

Sylvia

The Who's Tommy

Moonchildren

BTF ARCHIVED REVIEWS

BTF Archive

Babes in Arms

The Book Club Play

Broadway by the Year

Candida

Candide

The Caretaker

A Christmas Carol

Christmas Carol 2010

A Delicate Balance

The Einstein Project

Eleanor: Her Secret Journ

Endgame

Eric Hill's Macbeth

Faith Healer

The Guardsman

Ghosts

K2

The Last Five Years

A Man For All Seasons

No Wake

Noel Coward in Two Keys

Pageant Play

Prisoner of 2nd Avenue

Red Remembers

Sick

Waiting for Godot

Chester Theatre Company

Tilted House

The Dishwashers

Almost, Maine

Blackbird

Copake Theatre Company

Nine Months

I Do! I Do!

Sour Grapes

Talking Heads

Grace & Glorie

Dorset Theatre Fest 2011

Mauritius

Noises Off

Dial "M" For Murder

Superior Donuts

DORSET ARCHIVED REVIEWS

Fallen Angels

The Hollow

June Moon

Marry Me a Little

Merton of the Movies

Murder on the Nile

St. Nicholas

The Novelist

The Pavilion

A Year with Frog and Toad

Ghent Playhouse

Urinetown

Menagerie A Trois

Ghent's "Dial M...."

Ghent Playhouse Archives

Belles

The Boys Next Door

Clue: The Musical

Complete Wm Shakespeare

Dancing at Lughnasa

Enchanted April

Fantasticks

Hair Loom!

Hay Fever

The Heiress

Jack and the Beanstalk

Lost: The Grimm Years

Mrs. Farnsworth

Over the River, etc.

Picnic

Prisoner/2nd Avenue

Puss in Boots

6 Women...

You're a Good Man, Charli

Literature

B ob Dylan

Christmasville

A Lesser Saint

Upstreet, #1

Mac-Haydn Theatre 2011

Carousel at the Mac

Mac-Haydn's Grease

Swing!

Jekyll and Hyde

The King and I

Annie

Love a Piano

MACHAYDN ARCHIVED REVIEWS

Anything Goes

Beauty and the Beast

Bye Bye Birdie

Chicago

Chorus Line

Crazy For You

Damn Yankees

Hairspray

Hello, Dolly!

High Society

Joseph. . .Dreamcoat

Mame

Meet Me in St. Lou

Phantom

The Secret Garden

Show Boat

The Sound of Music

Sweet Charity

Music

Journeys by Robert Baksa

Mary Verdi: Precious Love

Mahagonny

New Stage Theatre Company

Fahrenheit 451

The Maids

NYSTI

Romeo & Juliet

And Then There Were None

King Island Christmas

A Legend of Sleepy Hollow

The Philadelphia Story

Yours, Anne

Orphan Train

Of Mice and Men

Twelve Angry Jurors

Anastasia

1776

Macbeth

Miracle On 34th Street

Arsenic and Old Lace

American Soup

Ordeal By Innocence

Reunion

Oldcastle Theatre 2011

Night and Her Stars

Last Days of Mickey & Jea

Rembrandt's Gift

OLDCASTLE ARCHIVED REVIEW

"Almost, Maine" in VT

Beauty Queen of Leenane

The Grass is Greener

One Two Three

A Song For My Father

Third

Restaurants

Bezalel Gables

Blantyre

Brazillian

Burrito Bound

SPICE!

Shakespeare & Co-2011

Cymbeline

Santaland

War of the Worlds

Red Hot Patriot

Broadway in the Berkshire

Baskervilles (Revisited)

Romeo and Juliet, 2011

The Hollow Crown

As You Like It

The Memory of Water

SHAKES & CO ARCHIVES

The Actors Rehearse...

All's Well That Ends Well

Bad Dates

The Canterville Ghost

Cindy Bella

Real Inspector Hound

Dreamer Examines Pillow

Goatwoman of Corvis Count

Golda's Balcony

Hound of Baskervilles

Irma Vep, The Mystery of

Julius Caesar

The Ladies Man

Liaisons Dangereuses

Mengelberg and Mahler

Othello

Pinter's Mirror

Richard III

Romeo and Juliet

The Santaland Diaries

Sea Marks

Shirley Valentine

The Taster

Twelfth Night

White People

The Winter's Tale

Special Attractions

Trial of F.D.R.

Autres Temp. . .

Real Desperate Housewives

Four Dogs and a Bone

Capitol Steps for 2011

Ludwig Live!

The Seagull

Stop Kiss

On The Verge

Seascape

Starcrossed

"Earnest" in Albany

Life Is Short

Paris, 1890--Unlaced

BCC's A Christmas Carol

Sister's Christmas Catech

The Pajame Game

Her Name is Vincent

Property Known as Garland

12th Night

I Know I Came...Something

Doubt, a Parable

Voices' A Christmas Carol

Dickens A Christmas Carol

Marie Galante

Machinal

Capitol Steps

Late Nite Catechism

Rabbit Hole

Taming of The Shrew

Mystery of Irma Vep

I Love a Piano

The News in Revue

The Mikado

Saturday Night Liv

A Chorus Line

BCC - Christmas Carol

Morgan O-Yuki

Rent

Stageworks Hudson 2011

Tennis in Nablus

The Divine Sister

Play By Play Shadows

Stagework Hudson Archives

The Amish Project

Forbidden Broadway

Imagining Madoff

Or,

Play By Play Blue Moons

Theater Barn 2011

Stones In His Pockets

The Drowsy Chaperone

The Andrews Brothers

I Love You....Now Change

A. Christie's The Hollow

Boeing-Boeing

THEATER BARN ARCHIVES

Altar Boyz

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Forever Plaid

The Full Monty

Grease

How the Other Half Loves

It Had To Be You

Leading Ladies

Lies & Legends

Moonlight and Magnolias

The Mousetrap

Murder at Howard Johnson

The Musical of Musicals

Red, White and Tuna

Romance, Romance

Same Time, Next Year

Spider's Web

Veronica's Room

Visiting Mr. Green

Zanna Don't!

Visual Arts

Walking the Dog Thtr 2011

Lost Frontier of America

Eurydice

Who Am I This Time?

WALKING THE DOG: ARCHIVED

BecomingFrederickDouglass

Bon Appetit!

Cyrano

daemons

The Gospel of John

i take your hand in mine

Our Town

The Owl and the Pussycat

Painting Churches

Under Milk Wood

Vritue, Desire, etc.

Walking the dog's HAMLET

WAM Theatre Company

Attic, Pearls & 3 Fine Gi

Melancholy Play

Weston Playhouse

A Funny Thing...Forum

Souvenir

Weston Playhouse Archived

Fully Committed

The Light in the Piazza

Les Miserables

No Child. . .

A Raisin in the Sun

Rent - Weston

25th Spelling Bee

Williamstown Theatre 2011

Ten Cents a Dance

Touch(ed)

She Stoops To Conquer

A Doll's House

One Slight Hitch

Three Hotels

Streetcar Named Desire

WTF ARCHIVED REVIEWS

After the Revolution

The Atheist

Beyond Therapy

Broke-Ology

Caroline in Jersey

Children

David Storey's "Home"

Fifth of July

A Flea in Her Ear

Funny Thing/Forum

Funny Thing II

It's Jewdy's Show

Knickerbocker

The Last Goodbye

Quartermaine's Terms

Samuel J. and K.

She Loves Me

Six Degrees of Separation

Three Sisters

The Torch-Bearers

True West

What is..Cause of Thunder

WTF's Our Town

OF COURSE

By J. Peter Bergman


          Of course, when the alarm went off I panicked. I’d been disarming the place for eight months and rearming it when I left for the night without a glimmer of difficulty. Six days a week for eight months without trouble. Now, after a month off the first concrete piece of evidence of my presence was a loud general alarm all over the property, at the Alarm Company and at the local police station.


          I tried to remember the instructions about reversing the mistake and nothing came to mind. So, of course, I went into the director’s office and checked the numbers on her corkboard for the Alarm Company. I found it, picked up the phone and tried to get an outside line, but the signals were all jammed. I couldn’t get through. I remembered my cell phone, reached in my pocket but it wasn't there. I had left it...in my car.


          I raced out of the place and into the parking lot where my car was standing alone in the darkening, stone covered terrain. I pulled out my keys, or thought I had, but found instead a small piece of paper. I didn’t have the keys. I had left them somewhere, probably inside the place. So, of course, I went back to look for them.


          The alarm was deafening. Constant and deafening is the best way to describe it. Or loud and piercing and rhythmical. I was certain that people all up and down the road could hear it. Probably everyone was calling the police by now. I had graduated, I was sure, to the level of public nuisance.


          Back inside the place, I went back to the office, which was still dark since I hadn’t turned on a light and spotted my keys on the desk, next to my hat. I grabbed them hastily, rushed back outside, leaving the door ajar and headed back to my car. Even before I was close enough I was squeezing the "unlock" button. I repeated that gesture three times before the interior lights came on indicating access was possible. I opened the door, reached in and grabbed the phone.


          Of course, after all that I couldn’t remember the phone number so it was back inside the office inside the place one more time. I read it, dialed and waited. A recorded voice asked me if this was an emergency and by now it was more than just an emergency: it was an urgent emergency. I punched in the code that the recorded voice asked for and waited.


          Jennifer was the real live person whose voice came into my ear.


          "What is your emergency?" she asked me.


          I explained where I was and who I was and what had happened. She carefully and slowly took it all down.


          "Have you called the police yet?" I asked her.


          "Oh, yes, they were dispatched about five minutes ago."


          "Well, what do we do now?"


          "I need the special word, sir," she said calmly and her calm helped my inner calm come back. Of course, that only lasted a few seconds.


          "The word," I said. "Oh, God, the word. I have it written in my notebook which is at home which is three miles away. And you said the police were coming and I can’t leave here, not without re-arming the place." Panic was back for real. "Can’t you do anything without my giving you the word?"


          "No, sir, we need the code word."


          "Let me think for a moment. I’m so rattled by this. I’ve never been through this before." I thought for a moment. A word came to me and I knew it was wrong, but I suggested it to Jennifer all the same. There was a pause.


          "No sir. That’s not it. Is there anyone you can contact who might know the code word?"


          "Well, yes, there is, if she’s home. But I don’t know the number and I’d have to go back into the place and find it and if the police come and I’m in the place won’t that look bad?"


          "I don’t know sir," she said.


          "Well. I’ll do it and either I’ll call you back or someone will." I hung up and went back inside. Of course, I couldn’t find the director’s number on any of the lists she had posted in her office. I knew where there was a phone directory, but I didn’t want to start turning on lights, so I grabbed the book and took it back outside with me. In the glare of the porch light, I found the number - after spending a minute or two on the wrong page - and dialed her. She picked up on the fourth ring and I almost sighed with relief. Until I heard her voice. It was strained.


          "Yes, who is this?" she said, rasping and I was sure I had awakened her.


          "Hi, Lois," I said cheerily, "it’s Fred. How are you feeling?"


          "Oh, hello, Fred. I’m better, I think." She had been down with stomach flu. "So nice of you to call...but...what’s all that noise?"


          "I’m... at the place," I said, "and... have you possibly changed the code? I entered what I always did and the alarm went off?"


          "Are you sure you entered it?"


          "I did. I don’t know what happened. All Hell’s broken loose. And I hear the police are on their way."


          "You have to call the Alarm company," she said tersely.


          "I did. I did, but I never had to do this before and I can’t remember the code word. And they can’t...."


          "...do anything without that word, I know," she said finishing my sentence.


          "What’s the word?"


          She told me and I thought, with the logic of it, ‘of course.’


          "I should call them right back and get this stopped."


          "Well, if you need me, call me back," she said. "I’ll come and bail you out."


          "Thanks, but I hope it doesn’t come to that."


          I hung up, hit the directory button on my phone, found the Alarm company and hit redial. It rang briefly and, of course, I got the recorded message again. I pushed the code numbers for real life help and in a jiffy there was Jennifer.


          "Hi, Jennifer, it’s me again. I have that code word."


          "Who is this?" she said.


          "We just talked, not two minutes ago." I gave her my name again and the name of the place. She acknowledged me and I recited the special code word identifier. There was a pause and then she said that it was okay. I paused for a moment fully expecting the alarm to go off, but it didn’t.


          "So, how do we make the alarm stop?" I said to her. "And how do we halt the police?"


          "Oh, I don’t know. I think it just goes off in about ten or fifteen minutes by itself."


          "It’s been going for at least that long," I said.


          "Well, let me look here and see which kind of system you have. You don’t happen to know that, do you?"


           Of course I didn’t.


           "Okay," she said. "Here we go. And don’t worry about the police. I already notified them not to send anyone."


          "Great," I said, "thanks."


          Just then I saw the headlights of a car heading up the driveway.


          "But it’s too late. They’re here and the alarm is still going."


          Two uniformed officers, and not ones I’d met before, were getting out of the vehicle and heading my way. With my almost free hand - it was holding the phone book - I waved at them, reassuring them that I wasn’t armed and that everything was going to be all right.


          "I have the alarm company on the phone right now," I said. "Everything’s all right."


          Of course, they didn’t actually believe me.

End of Part One
Continued next Sunday

 

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