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SMALL IRONIES: Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter Forty-Six

Chapter Forty-Seven

Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty-Nine

Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty-One

Chapter Fifty-Two

Epilogue

Three Continents

From the ship at sea 1

From the ship at sea 2

From the ship at sea 3

From the ship at sea, 4

From the ship at sea, 5

From the ship at sea , 6

From Rio!!

The Trip Home

NEW SHORT STORIES

Nothing There For You

Nothing There For You, 2

Nothing There For You, 3

Nothing There For You, 4

Chase of The Thrill, 1

Chase of the Thrill, 2

Chase of the Thrill, 3

Chase of The Thrill, 4

Of Course, part1

Of Course, part 2

Of Course, part 3

Of Course, concluded

In Memory: Of My Cruise 1

In Memory: Of My Cruise 2

In Memory: Of My Cruise 3

In Memory: Of My Cruise 4

Las Vegas, 1

Las Vegas, 2

Las Vegas, 3

Las Vegas, 4

Las Vegas, concluded

Mad Moment #1

Mad Moment #2

Mad Moment #3

Mad Moment #4

Margaret Never Knows, 1

Margaret Never Knows, 2

Margaret Never Knows, 3

Margaret Never Knows, 4

Margaret Never Knows, 5

Remote, part 1

Remote, part 2

Remote, part 3

Remote, concluded

POETRY

April's Fools

Easter Sunday

...simple answers

And when they come at me

Fogged In

BROADWAY/NYC THEATRE

Love, Linda

Curtains

Barrington Stage Co. 2010

Art

Pool Boy

Sweeney Todd

The Whipping Man

Freud's Last Session

BSC ARCHIVED REVIEWS

Carousel

The Fantasticks

I Am My Own Wife

Mysteries of Harris Burdi

Private Lives

See Rock City. . .

Sleuth

...Spelling Bee

A Streetcar Named Desire

This Wonderful Life

To Kill a Mockingbird

Trumbo

Underneath the Lintel

The Violet Hour

Berkshire Opera

Le Nozze di Figaro

La Boheme

Berkshire Theatre 2010

The Guardsman

Endgame

The Last Five Years

K2

BTF ARCHIVED REVIEWS

BTF Archive

The Book Club Play

Broadway by the Year

Candida

Candide

The Caretaker

A Christmas Carol

The Einstein Project

Eleanor: Her Secret Journ

Faith Healer

Ghosts

A Man For All Seasons

Noel Coward in Two Keys

Pageant Play

Prisoner of 2nd Avenue

Red Remembers

Sick

Waiting for Godot

Chester Theatre Company

Tilted House

The Dishwashers

Almost, Maine

Blackbird

Copake Theatre Company

Nine Months

I Do! I Do!

Sour Grapes

Talking Heads

Grace & Glorie

Dorset Theatre Fest 2010

Murder on the Nile

Fallen Angels

The Pavilion

DORSET ARCHIVED REVIEWS

The Hollow

June Moon

Marry Me a Little

Merton of the Movies

St. Nicholas

A Year with Frog and Toad

Ghent Playhouse

Prisoner/2nd Avenue

Mrs. Farnsworth

Complete Wm Shakespeare

Puss in Boots

Belles

Enchanted April

Dancing at Lughnasa

The Boys Next Door

Jack and the Beanstalk

Clue: The Musical

6 Women...

Picnic

Hair Loom!

Over the River, etc.

Literature

B ob Dylan

Christmasville

A Lesser Saint

Upstreet, #1

Mac-Haydn Theatre 2010

Damn Yankees

Chicago

The Secret Garden

Anything Goes

MACHAYDN ARCHIVED REVIEWS

Beauty and the Beast

Chorus Line

Crazy For You

Hairspray

Hello, Dolly!

High Society

Joseph. . .Dreamcoat

Meet Me in St. Lou

Phantom

The Sound of Music

Sweet Charity

Music

Journeys by Robert Baksa

Mary Verdi: Precious Love

Mahagonny

NYSTI

Romeo & Juliet

And Then There Were None

King Island Christmas

A Legend of Sleepy Hollow

The Philadelphia Story

Yours, Anne

Orphan Train

Of Mice and Men

Twelve Angry Jurors

Anastasia

1776

Macbeth

Miracle On 34th Street

Arsenic and Old Lace

American Soup

Ordeal By Innocence

Reunion

OLDCASTLE ARCHIVED REVIEW

"Almost, Maine" in VT

Beauty Queen of Leenane

The Grass is Greener

One Two Three

Third

Restaurants

Bezalel Gables

Blantyre

Brazillian

Burrito Bound

SPICE!

Shakespeare & Co-2010

The Winter's Tale

Richard III

Mengelberg and Mahler

Julius Caesar

SHAKES & CO ARCHIVES

The Actors Rehearse...

All's Well That Ends Well

Bad Dates

The Canterville Ghost

Cindy Bella

Dreamer Examines Pillow

Goatwoman of Corvis Count

Golda's Balcony

Hound of Baskervilles

The Ladies Man

Liaisons Dangereuses

Othello

Pinter's Mirror

Romeo and Juliet

Shirley Valentine

Twelfth Night

White People

Special Attractions

"Earnest" in Albany

Life Is Short

Paris, 1890--Unlaced

BCC's A Christmas Carol

Sister's Christmas Catech

The Pajame Game

Her Name is Vincent

Property Known as Garland

12th Night

I Know I Came...Something

Forbidden Broadway

Doubt, a Parable

Voices' A Christmas Carol

Dickens A Christmas Carol

Marie Galante

Machinal

Capitol Steps

Late Nite Catechism

Rabbit Hole

Taming of The Shrew

Mystery of Irma Vep

I Love a Piano

The News in Revue

The Mikado

Saturday Night Liv

A Chorus Line

BCC - Christmas Carol

Morgan O-Yuki

Rent

Stageworks Hudson 2010

Imagining Madoff

Or,

Theater Barn 2010

Spider's Web

Red, White and Tuna

THEATER BARN ARCHIVES

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Forever Plaid

Grease

How the Other Half Loves

Leading Ladies

Moonlight and Magnolias

The Mousetrap

Murder at Howard Johnson

The Musical of Musicals

Romance, Romance

Same Time, Next Year

Veronica's Room

Visiting Mr. Green

Zanna Don't!

Visual Arts

Walking the Dog Thtr 2010

Our Town

WALKING THE DOG: ARCHIVED

Cyrano

daemons

The Gospel of John

i take your hand in mine

The Owl and the Pussycat

Under Milk Wood

Vritue, Desire, etc.

Walking the dog's HAMLET

Weston Playhouse

A Raisin in the Sun

Rent - Weston

25th Spelling Bee

Fully Committed

Les Miserables

No Child. . .

The Light in the Piazza

Williamstown Theatre 2010

After the Revolution

Six Degrees of Separation

Samuel J. and K.

Funny Thing II

Funny Thing/Forum

It's Jewdy's Show

WTF ARCHIVED REVIEWS

The Atheist

Beyond Therapy

Broke-Ology

Caroline in Jersey

Children

David Storey's "Home"

A Flea in Her Ear

Knickerbocker

Quartermaine's Terms

She Loves Me

Three Sisters

The Torch-Bearers

True West

What is..Cause of Thunder

PART THREE

Chapter Thirty-Seven

From The Reader’s Digest, April, 1946:

from Hollywood Round-Up: "‘Hollywood,’ says comedian Phil

Silvers, ‘is the place where people spend more than they earn

to please people they don’t like.’"


          I was sitting alone, sipping my tea, reading a magazine. I was on the terrace. It was August. A wood thrush was warbling somewhere nearby. The dogs were napping under the shade my table umbrella provided. The fountain splashed in its irregular pattern and a heard the sound of a auto engine somewhere nearby. It spluttered twice and then went quiet. Then I heard the footfalls and a change in the water splashes in the fountain and I knew she was here. I didn’t turn around, or change my position or do anything else that might let her know I was interested. Until I spoke, of course.

          "Hello, Freddy," I said quietly, still not looking at her. "Welcome to Farnham Hall."

          "Happy birthday, Max," she said without moving any closer.

          "It’s not my birthday."

          "I know."

          "So you didn’t mean it?"

          "Well, you weren’t too sincere over that ‘welcome,’ were you?"

          "No," I said. "I suppose I wasn’t."

          I turned in my chair to look at her, the magazine dangling from my clenched fingers. She looked good. Still identifiably Freddy, she was dressed in a fashionable suit, with a hat on, a clutch bag and high-heeled shoes. Even so, the girl I had known and adored was still there under the brim, behind the silk scarf at her neck, above the three-inch stilettos.

          "You look tall today," I said.

          "Like a little girl on stilts?" she said sweetly. I blushed, remembering how we’d met, that day, so long ago, in Central Park.

          "That’s how I think of you all the time," I answered her.

          "Well, please come and kiss me, then." She held out her arms. "I’m really still that girl, you know."

          "It’s hard to believe, but okay," I said, springing up, disturbing the dogs, dropping the magazine. I took the four steps needed to reach her, my own arms now ready and available and I took her into my embrace and she closed her circle of arms around me. It felt good to stand there with her, hugging her, being hugged. It had been too long without a touch of home, of my real life. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it all.

          I’d been in England for two years. I’d been living here at Farnham Hall in the Cotswolds for more than half that time. I had spoken to my parents, seen Brianna on occasion, but hadn’t maintained any other contacts with my past in all that time. There had been no reason. None at all.

          "Can I pour you some tea, Freddy?" I asked her, not wanting to dwell on my own life but rather hoping to get down to hers.

          "Tea? On a hot day like this?"

          "Hot tea is the best thing for you. Take my word."

          "I’d really rather go straight to a martini if it’s all right with you."

          "Ah. Well, There I can’t help you. The bar doesn’t open for another half hour. Rules, you know."

          "Not even for me?" She winked as she said it.

          "Not even for the Queen," I said.

          "Which queen?"

          "Now, Freddy! Behave yourself." I was spluttering. "These ancient walls may well have ears."

          "How old is this place, Max?"

          "Built in 1574, inhabited by one family until the mid-1800s when Drew’s ancestor acquired it through some shady dealing in stocks, I think."

          "Incredible." She smiled that lovely broad smile I’d always liked. "Growing up where we did, it always seemed like anything older than sixty years was ancient and should be replaced."

          "It’s true. Things are different here. Slower. Much, much slower."

          "So, no drink?" I shook my head. "Well, then, tea it is."

          I pulled out the other chair at the table, displacing Alexei, the borzoi. He lumbered off in the direction of the hedgerow and Freddy took his place. I picked up the teacup and saucer, the teapot with the other hand and brought them to shoulder height at precisely the same moment, curving one hand slightly to pour the still warm brown liquid into the cup. Freddy applauded.

          "You do that perfectly, Max," she said, and I could hear the genuine delight in her voice.

          "Thanks."

          "You’re like a Geisha," she added and I felt myself blush. "Oh, stop that. You know you are. You know what you do and who you are and who you do."

          "Freddy, stop it. Things are different here."

          "You think I don’t know that b y now Max? I’ve been in England for nearly17 months. I know how different things are here."

          "Has it been that long, really?"

          "It has."

          "You must be nearly done with the project."

          "Nearly. yes."

          "So, what happens next for you? Back to New York, the old life?"

          "I... I don’t know, Max. I haven’t made any decisions yet."

          "Well, have you anything back there to go home to?"

          She was quiet, holding her teacup, taking her time before answering me. I was looking straight at her and she was avoiding my eyes.

          "If you mean Mikhael, no. That’s done. You know that." I shushed her and she smiled, then went on. "I’ve never heard another word from him. And, before you ask, I don’t miss him anymore. My mother’s dead. So there’s no real hold on me there either."

          "What about your father?" We had never really talked about her dad, but the little I’d learned hadn’t been very good.

          "I wouldn’t see him, Max. Not now."

          "Too late for that? Or still too soon?"

          "Both, I think. There’s be no reason for a reconciliation and I’m not sure I could control my  emotions if I was thrust into a room with him at this point. My best memories of him are still too painful."

          "You know with my family it’s so very different."

          "You’re the lucky one, Max. You have the perfect family."

          "Oh, absolutely. Dad’s a pimp, mom’s a call girl, granny’s a whore and my sister has been a kept woman since the age of sixteen. An Ideal Family by Oscar Wilde.’

          "You’re funny, Max."

          "Am I? Sometimes when I think about us all, I wonder how I’ve managed to have even a semblance of a sense of humor."

          "Max, your family are kind, sensitive, gentle people who always think about other folks pleasure and needs. They’re around when you need them and they don’t criticize you harshly for your decisions."

          "Freddy, you have no idea what you’re talking about." I could hear the telephone in the drawing room ringing off the hook. I wondered if I should excuse myself, rush in and answer it when the ringing stopped. "My family willingly trained me for prostitution, encouraged my homosexual side, and literally sold me to Paul Donner when he took an interest in me. Drew’s the only decision I ever made for myself and that was just one more step in the pattern established for me as a child."

          "You underestimate yourself, Max. You always did"

          I could see Hilary, the housekeeper advancing with the phone in her hand. I nodded to her and she moved closer quicker.

          "It’s Master Drew, sir, for you," she said, handing me the ornate, gilt-edged phone. I took it, nodded to her and turned to Freddy.

          "Excuse me, please, for a moment." She smiled, waggled her fingers in my direction and turned away, the teacup in her hand. "Hello?"

          "Not hello, dear. I’ve told you. ‘Are you there?’ is the proper greeting." It was Drew, all right.

          "Yes, I know, but the reality is I already knew it was you because Hilary told me and I was sure you were there, because you called me."

          "It’s form, dear. Form."

          "I’ll try to remember. I promise. So, what’s going on?"

          "Is she there?" he whispered into my ear through the receiver.

          "Yes," I whispered back. He guffawed, as I now knew to call the small spurt of laughter that often issued from his throat.

          "You don’t have to whisper," he said.

          "Neither do you," I responded. "We’re on the phone and you’re in London."

          "Oh, yes, quite right."

          "Thanks. Now, what’s up?"

          "Well, Maxie, now that the flat’s been redone and the restaurant is on better footing, I thought we should all celebrate."

          "Okay." I smiled at Freddy who had turned her attention back in my direction, then I shrugged and made a little, odd face.

          "Why don’t you and that girl powder your pretty faces and come into town for dinner tonight. We’ll inaugurate the new dining room, tickle the new ivories and tackle the new bed. What do you think?"

          "Okay," I said again, still smiling at Freddy.

          "Well, that’s not the enthusiastic response I’d hoped for, dear, but it will do for the moment."

          "Anything special you’d like?" I asked him.

          "Yes, wear the new Dior. I like you in that."

          "All right. I’ll order the car and we’ll meet at 7:15."

          "7:15, Max?"

          "Sorry, quarter past."

          "Better. Much better." He guffawed again. "Ta!" And he was off, the line was dead.

          I smiled at Freddy. "Drew wants us for dinner at quarter past seven. At the building."

          "Oh, dear. I was hoping not to have to go back there just yet."

          "Well, the grand opening is, what, Sunday, so there’s still three more days in which to stay away. You could consider this an aberration."

          "Do you want to go in, Max?"

          "I was quite happy here with the dogs, actually. I hadn’t planned on moving from this spot at all."

          "It is beautiful. Bucolic really."

          "Yes, it is."

          We sat in silence letting the country beauty wash over us, the lightly aromatic air waft through our heads. I leaned back in my chair and let my legs stretch forward as far as they could go. There was a yelp as my heel dug into the side of the Spaniel, Floria. She leapt to her feet and shook herself violently as I pulled back my legs and sat up. She was wagging her tail, but she was clearly annoyed with me for invading the solitude of her nap. Without much more noise or fuss she trotted away, toward the same hedgerow that Alexei had found as a refuge earlier.

          "The dogs don’t like me today, it seems," I said to Freddy. "I might as well go into town and see what Drew’s been cooking up. And if I have to, you have to."

          "All right, Massa Max." She stood up and came round the table to where I was standing. She put her arms around me and kissed me gently on the lips. "How long are we going on this way, Max?" she asked.

          "Just as long as we must, dear," I said. "Just as long as we must."

          It was silly, I thought, that we always played these little scenes out for the servants. We’d been at this for months and months and I was getting tired of the tiny deceptions. We played at being old friends, which we were. We played at casual interest which was just plain wrong. We feigned a sexual disinterest which hadn’t been the case for six months already. We did it for "form" for what Drew considered the proper way of doing things. I was hating it more and more and I thought Freddy was also.

          "I could support you, you know, " she said to me, loosening her hold on my neck.

          "I can’t do that."

          "Of course you can. You always have."

          "Not with you. Freddy, it wouldn’t work with you."

          "I am the older woman in this relationship."

          "One year. It’s always only been one year."

          "I’m a woman, Max. We age faster than you men. Your one year is my seven years. I am significantly older."

          "You’re not. I won’t have it that way."

          "Well, you go put on your frock for gentleman in town. We can talk about this later. Over a martini, for God’s sake."

          I laughed at her persistence in these things, gave her a quick, light kiss on the cheek and trotted up to the house. At the French doors I stopped and turned.

          "Bring the phone in, won’t you? Please?"

          She nodded and waved. I went upstairs to make myself attractive.


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